I’m here again… you would think by now I would be in control of these emotions. There is just something so… so cold about a Dr’s exam table.
The anxiety didn’t begin when I climbed up on the table though, it is actually its calmest now. Here I can make jokes with the nurses about being able to guess my pulse or some other smooth transition that keeps everyone in the room at ease( strangely enough Dr’s offices are my jam… hey! Everyone shines somewhere). Luckily today my M.A. handed me the blood work I’ve waited 6 agonizing days to lay my eyes on. I have a task; my mind is consumed. The anxiety began 16 days ago when I had to see a new Dr for the first time. I knew it as evidence (I am a special ed teacher… I like data and evidence… easy record-able.. NO mystery) that day by my blood pressure being 140/80.. I am typically a solid 102 over 55 girl. The fact that I know that by heart at 24 should tell you a lot about me. Or maybe the anxiety started September 15th when I booked the appointment for over a month out. Any way you slice it there was anxiety. When I received the phone call yesterday that I needed to go into the Dr today for the blood work done Thursday I automatically went into ( I think I made this up, but) crock pot mode. I have to throw everything into it, but the heat makes it beautiful. I did everything required of me. I lined up a sub. I made sub plans. I called my parents and best friend. I stayed calm. I did not google or webMD a single thing. I did not get onto the labcorp website and refresh my blood work 17 times, or even once. I went and supported a friend in need and I heated up dinner. When my Dad called and asked if I was anxious I answered what I thought was wholly the truth “nah, just another Dr, at worst its disease number 3 😉 “I didn’t realize I was anxious until I went to bed and had a dream that my Dr yelled at me, said I could only eat oatmeal, and told me I needed to tell my principals that I had to take a leave of absence until thanksgiving was over. (Praise God none of that happened!!!! Then we could really talk about anxiety)
Back to being a crock pot though (just what every woman wants to hear) If you read the above, I hope you did otherwise its really random you landed on this paragraph, then nothing really seems wrong with it. I think it is pretty normal emotions for a person who goes to the Dr relatively often and doesn’t get good news from them. If you know me at all though, I hope you see something majorly wrong with it. You see, I picked anxiety. I picked to not trust that there is a greater plan for me. I picked to complete task and keep my mind busy and let the heat make me self-dependent.
Until, I have this amazing sister-in-law, she sent me a picture that said “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:27”followed by “no matter what they say at 10:00 we are not going to worry.” What perspective. What insight that I so desperately needed. That I don’t have to carry it all or make jokes to make it through tough ‘worrisome’ times.
I say all this to say, I don’t know where you are today. I don’t know if you are sick, if your child is sick, if your spouse is sick, or if you’ve never known anyone who was sick. I don’t know if God feels like He is right beside you providing the desires of your heart or if that statement just made you angry because you can’t remember a God who provides. I don’t know If I know you at all. Today as I walked out of the Dr, from an appointment, that went a lot better than it could have, there was a feather on the ground. Instantly my mind went to Psalm 91. “ I will say to the Lord, “ My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust…. He will cover you with his pinions (feather), and under his wings you will find refuge. “(91:2 &4)
So I pray you seek His refuge. If there is anything that I’ve learned over this 5 year journey, but more specifically this 10 month battle it is…
God is faith to provide refuge.
Even when it doesn’t seem like that’s what it is to my mere mortal selfish brain. So keep trucking, keep seeking, allow people to take care of you, and when you are throwing ingredients into the crockpot that is your life… throw in prayer!